I went into G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra with much trepidation, I have heard many stories about how horrible the film was, and even some stories went so far as to say that it's somehow worse than even the mighty ball of suck that is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.Well, I'm happy to report that it's not nearly as bad as that film.
That being said, the film isn't that much better, sadly. Although, at least this film does at least attempt to make some sort of attempt at plot and character development. Of course, it's all horribly wrong and botched beyond belief, but hey, at least they tried. That's more than I can say for Michael Bay.
Even still, how the hell do you screw up G.I. Joe? I mean, they got the basic idea right. A group of terrorists that originated in the early 12th century France have gotten their hands on some super duper secret weaponry and are now seeking to TAKE OVER THE WORLD MUA HA HA HA and only our heroes G.I. Joe can stop it. Yeah, I wasn't exactly looking for a poignant, thought provoking film that makes look at life differently or anything. I was just expecting some good old cheesy fun that pays homage to G.I. Joe.
And of course they screwed it up.
To begin with, there's mucho character assassination present...
Duke/Scarlet: Duke and Scarlet are not an item whatsoever. Although they felt the need to pair Scarlet up with Rip Cord. Uh..what? Duke in fact, is with....
The Baroness: Yup, the Baroness. Huh?.... Apparently Duke and the Baroness were once an item before he became a member of G.I. Joe. Um, no. She's with Destro. And Destro only.
Cobra Commander: They show his face. Yeah....that's probably the biggest cardinal sin of them all. You guys should've taken the lessons from the G.I. Joe animated movie and learned that that was a supremely bad idea. In fact, Destro and Cobra Commander don't reveal themselves until the final moments of the film, in a lame attempt at surprise, I suppose, and the wait is not worth it. I know that a man with a silver face and a guy in a blue suit with a helmet that covers his whole face already look strange, but the movie makes them look even sillier, and not for the better.
For some odd reason Flint and Lady Jaye weren't present either as they were some of the more popular characters also. I guess they're holding out for G.I. Joe II: The Rise of Vomit.
Really, the only character escape this holy jihad against sticking with source material was Snake Eyes. Oh, and Dennis Quaid as Commander Hawk was pretty cool, despite the fact that he was wasted in the role.
It honestly may seem like I'm being a nerd and nitpicking at things here to those who aren't G.I. Joe fans, but my God, when you change up so many simple things like this, it just really detracts from the experience and it doesn't feel like G.I. Joe, but rather a lame knockoff that just uses the brand name to rack in the money, which, of course, is all it is. Seriously guys, you could Google this crap in less than 10 minutes and find out all of the correct character backstories and relationships.
I might could have forgiven all of this if the action sequences weren't so nonsensical. I already expected over the top action given the source material but even this film takes things to a ludicrous extreme, of which the chase scene in Paris is arguably the most silly. Someone in Hollywood needs to learn that bigger and crazier doesn't necessarily equal better action. It's as though this film did everything in its power to try to one up other Hollywood blockbusters as if to say; "There! Beat that! I dare you." In a scene that resembles Bullitt on LSD, supposedly covert operatives, G.I. Joe chases after the Cobra in a madcap effort from destroying the Eiffel Tower, decked out in these Master Chief looking power suits as they literally run at super speed in order to keep up with the Cobras moving vehicle, literally running into other cars and objects on the highway. Some covert operatives they are. I know you're trying to keep with Michael Bay and top his zany over the top action with your own, Mr. Sommers, but also bear in mind that despite creating a action vehicle cash cow, you have to remember that the action, while over the top, has to make some semblance of sense. A supposedly covert team of operatives running into cars like a destruction derby and causing arguably more destruction than the terrorists themselves doesn't make sense. My God, The Incredible Hulk kicked over less cars than G.I. Joe. Somehow these super powered suits (and since when did G.I. Joe need lame power suits?) also keep them from dying or even feeling the slightest of pain, despite having crashed into a vehicle at speeds of 100 MPH. Yes, it's as ridiculous and looks as utterly fake as it sounds.
And somebody seriously should have told somebody that ice doesn't sink in the water.
That's why the action and indeed the movie fails. In their effort to wow the audience, everything just comes off as looking entirely too fake and coupled with the overuse of GGI graphics, the whole thing looks like a videogame that you can't play. It's almost like the movie needed a HUD with life bars and gun/ammuntion displays. Just like any videogame with too many cutscenes and not enough playtime, G.I. Joe isn't very fun to experience either.I guess life bars and arbitrary numbers on the screen make that much of a difference, I suppose.
G.I. Joe is a poorly done action flick that is neither worth your money or your time, even if you are a long time fan, especially if you are a long time fan given that it pretty much takes a nice little whiz on everything you knew and loved about the cartoon series anyway. It's basically like watching your buddy play Killzone 2 while he shits in your mouth for two hours straight.
Sadly, that's still better than Transformers 2.
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