LA Noire and the Case of the Game That Sucks

What could have been an intriguing story driven tale is marred by terrible narrative pacing and overblown action sequences. L.A. Noire is the latest attempt by Rockstar to distance themselves from the puerile, almost cartoon-ish concepts presented in the Grand Theft Auto series and establish a more mature, serious product. The end result is a mixed bag. While the core of the game revolves around crime solving and case work, it also incorporates a few elements from the sandbox style of gameplay popularized by GTA. In this attempt to bridge two concepts together, neither work out very well and the game results in a disappointment overall.


Initially, the game is impressive. The presentation is easily the game’s greatest asset, providing an authentic depiction of 1940s era Los Angeles, from the cars driven to the clothing worn to the music and radio programs, everything here is faithfully reproduced to give the game a very classic film noir style feel. Careful attention to detail was placed on the graphics from bottles and cigarette butts tossed on the ground to postcards and letters. Objects of interest can be picked up and examined or zoomed in for further inspection. Thanks to MotionScan technology the faces of the actors are able to provide a fantastic level of detail and allow their performances to shine in ways it otherwise couldn’t have. This game boasts some of the best voice work in a videogame to date and really makes each character come alive in the scenes.

Book 'em Cole'o.

Despite the excellent presentation a few cracks in the foundation begin seeping through. Gameplay progression is divided amongst 21 individual cases, each spread out in an episodic nature. The problem that is presented is that the game tries to incorporate a mature, film noir narrative within the confines of “GTA style” and the two concepts don’t work well at all. Any attempts the writers made to try to make anyone care are trivialized by the silly trappings of sandbox style videogames. It’s difficult to take a plot seriously when you run over pedestrians knocking over light posts in pursuit of a fleeing suspect. As the plot grows increasingly more serious, as about the halfway point the game finally gets into the story it wanted to tell all along, the gameplay becomes even more ludicrous, at which point everything comes to a head in it’s final act; the player character literally goes in and takes on an army of mobsters with only his pistol and later a military issue flamethrower. In the end it cheapens and trivializes the drama of the tale. But more importantly, the game wastes too much time on filler material in the beginning that have little or nothing to do with the overall plot. The game attempts to foreshadow events to come via WWII flashbacks and obscure newspaper articles strewn about, but they’re amazingly vague and don’t provide enough clarity for the player to understand what’s going on. Not nearly enough time is spent developing Cole Phelps as a main character as elements of his personality and character traits are only mentioned in passing at best. When the time comes for the game to finally get to the point and tell the story it wanted to tell all along, the player is given little to no reason to care. We can’t have more cases that pertain to the plot or more dialogue sequences that explain the backstory a little more, oh no, because that would take time away from boring street crimes, driving around aimlessly looking for landmarks and making sure you’ve gotten into every hidden car so you can cross it off of your checklist.

Congratulations, Cole. You didn't kill any pedestrians in pursuit of today's suspect

Had the game been given more focus and attention to the things that did matter (case solving detective work) and less time on the stuff that didn’t (boring extracurricular activities that only trophy and achievement hunters would care about) the game would be a lot better off. The worst part is that this aspect of the title isn’t even needed. A grand recreation of Los Angeles means little if there’s hardly anything to do in it. The most interesting things are random dispatch calls the player can respond to which usually result in having to gun down a random group of thugs. Unfortunate that despite playing as a lawman, the player is given no opportunity to subdue a criminal instead of outright gunning them down. Interesting that the ability to take someone in alive is present in Red Dead Redemption, but not here. Unlike that of Heavy Rain, which is what this game should have been, half of the focus is diverted to this frivolity and not enough on the things that do matter. Things like branching or multiple story paths that affect the outcome of the game’s ultimate conclusion. No, L.A. Noire sees fit to cover up the same basic mission based formula present in Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, only this game uses hand holding clue finding and poorly designed Truth or Dare games with suspect questioning to do it.

"Hold on, ma'am while i sift through these worthless ass clues to get to the one where I call you out on your lie and fail anyways thanks to the way this game annoyingly misdirects questions, gimme just a minute."

And that’s truly the saddest aspect of L.A. Noire. The game’s essential selling point, the clue finding and general detective work is stiflingly linear. All cases generally progress the same: travel to location, find a clue, question suspects and witnesses. Yes, this is how police work is generally done, it’s the sheer hand holding way in which the game achieves this concept that makes it so dull. The game almost never offers a choice between areas to investigate; even when it does, traveling to one location before another has no bearing on the ultimate resolution of the case. Half of the “clues” the player finds are worthless and don’t help in the slightest with interrogations and the rigid plot remains unchanged even in the rare event when the player is given a choice of which suspect to convict. The captain in the next scene speaks of how great of a detective Cole Phelps is, even if he did chew him out for a wrongful conviction the scene prior.

"So what does the police have on me that says I did it?"

"Uh.....nothing, but I found 14 landmarks and got into 10 random cars today so you better spill the beans, pal!"

L.A. Noire was an attempt to recreate a classic film noir tale of mystery, deception and intrigue. The worst part is that most of the mystery and deception comes less from the plot and more from the various ways it attempts to disguise boring linearity with choices made during cases that all lead to the same conclusion. Effective film noir storytelling and freedom of choice was done better in Heavy Rain and sandbox style action and fun was done far better in Red Dead Redemption. L.A. Noire attempts to bridge both concepts together and achieves only a modicum of success on both counts.

Fourth Time's a Charm (Sonic 4 Review)

If I were to think of one word that could sum up Sonic 4 it would be simplicity. Sonic 4 is in many ways back to basics. Its in my humble opinion a welcome return to form that this series has been needing for a very long time. While Mario has improved and benefited from a 3D format, I think Sonic is perhaps best in his 2D incarnation. Sonic 4 is back to old school basics and gameplay. It’s simple. You travel generally from left to right picking up rings as you go between various Zones and Acts. It’s the basic Sonic formula many old school fans have come to know and love. Bearing a graphical style similar to that of Sonic Adventure, this is perhaps the game that should have been on the Dreamcast to start with. Many of the things cluttering and plaguing the series over the past decade have been stripped away to make things less muddled or confusing. Gone are the unnecessary abundance of characters. Gone are the zany, melodramatic plots. Gone are silly gimmicks designed to make the formula seem more fresh or new than it is. Sonic 4 focuses on what matters; dashing through hoops collecting rings and smashing into things curled into a ball. It’s the reason we all fell in love with Sonic to start with and Sonic 4 mercifully focuses on that and nothing else.




That’s not to say that the 3D Sonics have nothing to bring to the table. Included is the homing attack present from the 3D games as well as the ability to pick and choose any stage to replay at any time. Anyone familiar with the Sonic Rush titles developed by Dimps should already feel at home here. The controls feel somewhat sluggish at first but it just takes getting used to and you’ll come to find that the controls are actually pretty tight and responsive. Level design has improved from the Rush games as well, placing more emphasis on platforming and timing than making Sonic zip at insane levels of speed, although there are plenty of moments that have that as well. In addition to retro level design the game boasts a retro soundtrack as well with musical selections that are highly reminiscent of the Genesis classics. This is just personal opinion but this style of music just fits Sonic the Hedgehog better. It’s timeless and adventurous and just encapsulates the feeling of just having fun, which is what the series initial intention was.



If Sonic 4 has any failing it’s that it doesn’t feel like Sonic 4. A more apropos title would have been “This is Your Life Sonic the Hedgehog” as the game feels more like a nostalgic trip down memory lane. Many stages were clearly inspired and in the case of the Casino Zone, outright ripped straight out of Sonics 1 and 2. Every boss battle with Robotnik, excuse me Eggman is generally a rehash of boss battles you’ve had before in those games as well and even the level designs often employ the same tricks as the Genesis games. Veterans should easily be able to spot many of the level design tricks employed here and as a result it makes the game seem somewhat too easy as a result. While tugging at nostalgic heart strings is never really a bad thing per se, it helps to bear in mind that this is supposed to be a sequel. While the spirit of the originals should be kept in mind with the design it’s important to make us feel that this in fact Sonic 4, a brand new adventure with the spirit of the originals intact. Nothing in Sonic 4 makes it seem vastly original or different than the ones that came before it and it has no identity as a result. The developers of Mega Man 9 understood this concept perfectly, it’s one that Sega and Dimps should have kept in mind.

Haven't I seen this somewhere before?




Yep.

Even still despite it’s short length at only 4 Zones each with 3 Acts Sonic 4 doesn’t feel like a terrible game at all and is a welcome game that is at least 10 years overdue. Most average players can beat the game in about a day, but the real fun and challenge of Sonic 4 is replaying the levels trying to get that high score or beat that level just a bit faster. It’s an old school philosophy of gaming in mind, one that seeks to challenge and test you rather than tell a grand epic story. Some games work better that way. I would love to see a grand sweeping tale from Red Dead Redemption. When it comes to Sonic I just want a fun, vibrant platformer with catchy tunes and colorful backgrounds. This is only Episode I of Sonic 4, so here’s hoping that Sega continues it with an Episode II and maybe adds Tails or Knuckles or even Shadow as playable characters and gives us some more original stages and boss battles. All the same Sega, allow Dimps to design your Sonic games from now on. They’ve done more for this series with one simple downloadable game than you have with 6.

Thumbs up for Sonic 4.

Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker Review

Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker is like a delicious casserole crafted from the finest ingredients every game in the series up to this point has to offer while at the same time trimming the excess, unhealthy fat from the product. The end result is arguably the most polished Metal Gear game to date.

While the Metal Gear series was never particularly bad, there were always a few nagging issues that kept each game from being as good as they could be, particularly in the area of control schematic. Metal Gear Solid 4 completely revamped the play control style to reflect contemporary action games and the game play felt far more natural as a result. Unfortunately for Metal Gear Solid 4, the game still had that “interactive movie” feel that most of its critics site as a reason for why they don’t like it. The first PSP outing, Portable Ops had the right mindset in theory; less talk, more action, however it failed to execute as most of the gameplay concepts just didn’t work as intended. Peace Walker manages to mend the problem plaguing both games. The camera is much more user friendly. Enemy recruitment is much less cumbersome. Instead of dragging them to the truck, simply attach a Fulton balloon and they're on their way. Gone are the lengthy cutscenes. Instead of one long mission, Peace Walker is instead broken up into short, mini missions, while radio conversations and cutscenes are mercifully kept to a minimum during the mission so the player can focus on the gameplay. For those who don’t mind hearing a lot of backstory and enjoy the rich world of Metal Gear, there are briefing files before each mission that discuss the plot in detail, or reveal a bit more backstory regarding the characters and events taking place. Like Portable Ops, cutscenes are handled via comic book style visuals by Ashley Wood and they look much like the Digital Graphic Novels of the series. Most of them have interactive moments that involve the player to press the right button or make the right decision at the proper time. Such interactivity is not only welcomed, but adds a bit to replayability as sometimes failing at a juncture can produce slightly different changes in the storyline. Metal Gear Solid as a series has often been praised for well developed and intriguing plots and Peace Walker is no exception. The game further serves to bridge the gap between the original Metal Gear and its prequel, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. For all intents and purposes, the game is a direct sequel set ten years after the events of Snake Eater, ignoring most of what took place in the first sequel starring Big Boss, Portable Ops. As with most games in the franchise, playing the previous Metal Gear installments are not particularly required for enjoyment of the plot, but it is much preferred as it helps to have a background on some of what has happened prior to the events of the game. Peace Walker makes no effort to catch new players up to speed on what’s taken place in the Metal Gear universe. This game was written with already established fans in mind.



The gameplay was designed with already established fans in mind as well. Players new to the series, or even players who played the previous games on easier modes will be in for a rude awakening with Peace Walker. There are no difficulty settings and this game features some of the toughest boss battles in the series history. While this may seem a bit off putting, this game provides more options and tactical approaches than any game that has come before it. Literally every weapon and item from past games makes an appearance here, plus a few more. Different camouflage designs and set ups can be utilized. Choose camo that has an all around percentage of blending in, or one that is well suited to a specific area? Choose an indoor suit designed for optimum stealth or one designed for battle and protection? Literally the levels are designed in such a way that players who favor run and gun tactics over traditional stealth can enjoy equals amount of success. That’s not to say emphasis is not placed on stealth. Peace Walker is brilliant in that while it doesn’t punish run and gun tactics and being discovered as much as previous games, it does however reward stealth much more than previous games. Given all of the new stealth options at the player's disposal, it's honestly more fun to use non lethal ways to dispatch. CQC has been improved to allow players to take out multiple enemies at once provided they are in proximity. Attacks can be stringed together to take out at least three at once and soldiers can now be thrown into objects or against other enemies. Many times taking out a group of enemies with CQC is faster than simply gunning them down. Not being seen and dispatching enemies non lethally not only raises your score at the end of each mission but enemy recruitment is a vital part of success. Dispatching enemies using lethal means not only runs you the risk of killing them, but most captures will display hostility towards your crew and not join automatically. So be a nice guy, it helps.



Capturing soldiers is not only fun, but vital to the management of your home base. Snake is not the only one who is available to take on missions. Often times, the soldiers recruited will have to take up the call to arms and in many missions Snake isn’t even available. Almost RPG like in it’s management; your home base has a variety of areas to which your recruits can be assigned. Each soldier has a variety of statistics that show which areas he/she excels. They can be assigned to a duty they must perform to help the base grow. Helping the base grow in turn increases productivity and your base can provide items and new forms of weaponry for use in the field. Other soldiers can be deployed to various regions around the world to gain battle experience in strategic engagements. How many soldiers that are captured and how well they are utilized can make the game significantly easier to complete. New to the Metal Gear franchise, missions can now be played with a buddy at your side. While most boss battles when played solo represent an enormous challenge, most of them can be played with up to 3 other players. Should an ally fall in battle simply charging over to the body and spending a few seconds to revive them basically ensures that no one will fail at any juncture and almost makes boss battles too easy. Most missions can be played with at least one other person, but they aren’t all that particularly challenging to begin with, and most veteran Metal Gear players might get more challenge out of simply just going it solo. While fun, Co-op gameplay is wholly unnecessary and it’s just as well; the game doesn’t support infrastructure and instead utilizes Ad-Hoc. So unless you own a PS3 and Ad-Hoc Party you may not be getting a whole lot of multiplayer in at all.



Multiplayer issues aside, this represents not just arguably the best Metal Gear game to date, but one of the best PSP games to date, if not the best. This is definitely a must have for any Metal Gear fan or fan of action games in general. If this is the final Metal Gear Hideo Kojima plans to personally produce, this then is quite the swan song.

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia Review

After all this talk about vampires, I figured I should post this review that I had already typed up well over a month ago. I planned to post it back during Halloween time, but that nasty little thing called real life got in the way. It's honestly amazing how despite my utter lack of a healthy social life that I harbor, I still have trouble finding free time to work on this blog. It really is.


It's often been said, "You can never have too much of a good thing", but sadly, that doesn't apply when playing Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia. Really though, it's not Order of Ecclesia's fault, either. Unfortunately, we've all been so spoiled by excellent Castlevania games leading up to this point that OOE just seems like a fairly pedestrian retread of the same old concepts we've been accustomed to since Symphony of the Night.

Poor Order of Ecclesia.

Although this game does have enough to make it stand out. For starters, you play as a female, only done once before in a Castlevania game, named Shanoa. Set in the early 1800s, Shanoa's task as a member of Ecclesia, a group dedicated to the eradication of Dracula, is to recover the stolen pieces of Dominus from fellow Ecclesia member Albus, who seeks to use the Dominus to resurrect who else...Dracula. Along the way you'll learn both the purpose behind Albus' plot and the mystery behind Shanoa's dark past as well. The story, while fairly simple, works well enough to keep you entertained, and Shanoa's mysterious behavior and back story are enough to keep the player interested and there's just enough plot twists timed at the proper moment to hold that interest. The story doesn't particularly impress, it's just that many other Castlevania games have plots that follow the same formula. Some evil guy gets something with which to revive Dracula and the main character must stop said bad guy from reviving him, eventually revealing their tie to the whole plot and discovering something about themselves that they either forgot, or didn't realize altogether. Sound familiar? It's the basic outline for every Castlevania game since Symphony of the Night. As a result, most players will feel a grand disconnect despite the game not having any glaring flaws in its narrative.


Poor Order of Ecclesia.

The game itself does absolutely nothing wrong in the gameplay department either. From a design standpoint, the game is arguably the most refined out of any of the Castlevanias on the DS. The weapon leveling system from Portrait of Ruin and the Soul System have been combined into one to form the Glyph system used in OOE. In a change of pace, the need to equip weapons has been completely excised in favor of equipping these glyphs. Glyphs have many different uses and purposes. Some glyphs are swords for stabbing and piercing attacks, some glyphs are hammers for slow, powerful attacks, etc. You can equip one of these glyphs on each hand and by alternating between both the X and Y buttons; you can attack quickly in succession. You can keep this up for as long as your stamina meter allows. Pressing both X and Y at the same time will yield a special attack that consumes hearts. The attack varies depending on which combination of weapons you have equipped. Glyphs purposes don't stop there though. Some Glyphs are also magic glyphs that allow you to perform various magic spells. Some allow you to emit lightning from your fingertips; some recover your health slowly. There's a gamut of possible uses and combinations with the glyphs for you to experiment with. Much like the Soul System, most glyphs can be obtained by defeating enemies. Other, more important ones that the game requires you to obtain can be found in specific areas. You'll definitely need to experiment with all different possible combinations in order to enjoy success with the game, particularly when it comes to the bosses. The game boasts some very interesting and challenging boss encounters that force the player to think rather than swing their weapon over and over until all their health his depleted. Many boss fights will have you stumped in learning the proper strategy on how to defeat them. It may seem frustrating at first, but it's an ultimately rewarding experience when you do figure it out. The game's innovations don't stop with the battle system either; most of the game takes place outside of Castlevania, and similar to Simon's Quest, there's a village that serves as a central hub, where assisting some of the townsfolk will net you various items and information to aid you in your quest. Unlike Simon's Quest however, the game's different areas are connected together via a world map where you just select where you want to go and you're instantly transported there rather than having to trudge through interconnecting areas to progress. Exploring existing locations will eventually open up new areas and getting the proper items or glyphs will allow you to return to an area previously explored and open up a new path that wasn't there before. Sound familiar? That's because it is. Ultimately, the game, despite its little nuances, is exactly the same kind of Castlevania game they've been making for over 10 years now. Koji Igarashi has gone to this particular well many times and Order of Ecclesia may have just drained it of every last drop. The game does everything well. It's a perfect refinement of the formula we've come to expect from Castlevania now. Ayami Kojima returns after being absent for the first two DS games to design some absolutely stunning and gorgeous characters and locations. Michiru Yamane returns to score a fabulous soundtrack. The piece, "An Empty Tome" takes its place among the all time Castlevania themes. However, throughout the entire game experience, right up until the credits roll, in the back of your mind you can't help but feel and overpowering sense of sheer apathy towards the whole thing, despite the fact that you just played a great game. You can't shake the feeling that no matter how great of an experience it is that you've already experienced greatness that is similar or equal to this before. It's the same problem that a franchise such as The Legend of Zelda currently faces. Each subsequent experience is less intriguing or engaging than the last. Not because of any faults within it's design, particularly, but rather because of the company it keeps.


Poor Order of Ecclesia.

Sad, but true. Order of Ecclesia's main problem is that well, it exists. It's not the game's fault that it's simply another Symphony of the Night offspring in a family that has grown too large. Hopefully, the game will be seen as the end of an era. This game will hopefully represent for the SOTN era of Castlevania games that Rondo of Blood did for the originals. Order of Ecclesia could be, and really, should be, the proper send off to the Symphony of the Night style of Castlevania. I'm not saying that the series is dying or that no future Castlevania games need to be made, but rather I'm issuing advice towards its creators. Guys, take heed of the lessons from franchises like Mega Man.; that sometimes, too much of a good thing and lead to just too much of something, period. It's obvious that the series, and indeed Koji Igarashi himself may have burned themselves out by making so many games in such a short time frame. That being said, I still encourage all to check out Order of Ecclesia if they haven't yet done so, as it's a really fantastic game that has a sad, unfortunate fate of being bundled with equally excellent brethren and that’s what keeps it from being classified as simply good, rather than truly great.

Poor Order of Ecclesia.

Up Review

Given all of the scathing, opinionated reviews of movies in particular that I often deliver, one may come to the conclusion that I'm some elitist jerk that can't find the slightest bit of entertainment in anything I watch. I'll admit, it's no secret that yes, most movies I end up watching that look like they'll interest me absolutely disgust me, particularly animated movies. I find most animated movies to be among the most annoying of movies often times. They're usually loud, boisterous, generally unfunny piles of trash with furry little animals running around and getting into madcap zany adventures with poorly told pop culture jokes that barely half, if any, of the intended target audience (young children) will even get. They don't serve any particular purpose; they're merely Looney Tunes shorts that run entirely too long and fail to capture even a fraction of the wit contained within those Looney Tunes classics. In summary, they're just damned obnoxious and they need to die a horrible death.

Thank God for Pixar, though.

This company mercifully doesn't fit the mold of what has become a typical 3D animated film these days. Pixar films have become the standard by which all other animated films should be judged over their long history, and rightly so. They continue to churn out excellent film after excellent film and Up is no exception. By touching upon simple themes that everyone can relate to, Up has managed to warm even my often cold, jaded heart. What makes Up such a success is in its simplicity. The film is only 90 minutes long and as such, very little time is wasted. It gets to the point right from the get go in its first 10 minutes.

Are you guys taking notes?

Carl Fredrickson, once a youthful child in the early 50s, enjoys a spirit of adventure as he and his best friend Ellie, who would eventually become his future wife, plan to visit Paradise Falls. Years pass and they grow old, Ellie eventually passes away and Carl grows remorseful that he could never keep their childhood promise and continues to live out a fairly lonely, mundane existence as an old man. The film does this beautifully in a musical motif that lasts only a few minutes, and instantly you get a sense of Carl's entire character without one whit of dialogue being spoken.

Eventually, Carl begins to realize that world is beginning to pass him by and he just doesn't feel the same anymore. He can't stand all of the construction going on around him, he can't understand why anyone would want to buy his house. In his refusal to let go of his house, he strikes a man with his cane and is forced to be sent off to a retirement home. Rather than be sent along, he reveals millions of balloons that uproot his house and he plans to fly away to Paradise Falls. Along the way he accidentally gets a stowaway in the form of Russell, a chubby little boy scout who, like many young children displays goofy eccentricities that otherwise annoy Carl. He talks too much. He asks too many questions. He's clumsy. He's well; he's what most little boys are like, including Carl himself, when he was a child. Most of the middle portion of the film is spent with just the two on their journey to Paradise Falls, with Carl reluctantly taking the boy along with little choice, although deep down inside, he does care for the kid. In order to transport the house to Paradise Falls he needs Russell's help in carrying it over there, by tying a string around both of their waists and literally dragging it over there while the balloons support it in the air.

The film is a treat, visually as well, displaying bright, beautiful colors and looks particularly gorgeous on a Blu-Ray if you have one.

Thus does Up subtly reveal it's moral lesson. Carl is not only literally tied to his house and his possessions, but rather he's tied emotionally to it as well. He can't let go. Of course, there's a token bad guy present as well, who doesn't play a particularly large role in story, however, his role is very important for displaying what Carl will eventually become if he doesn't let go. That's what makes Up such a brilliant story. Rather than beat you over the head with any particular plot points it wants to address, it tugs at the heart strings of all of us by subtle expression of common themes that people of all ages can connect with. Basically, it represents what Disney movies used to be, not to say that this is a serious film and that there's no place for humor at all. Of course the movie has it's fair share of humor; the exchanges between Russell and Carl in particular are hilarious. The reason why I don't mind the humor in Up is because the humor here works. The characters aren't trying to be cute and funny, they just are. Hence the difference between most Dreamworks swill and this.

Thank God for Pixar.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Review

I went into G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra with much trepidation, I have heard many stories about how horrible the film was, and even some stories went so far as to say that it's somehow worse than even the mighty ball of suck that is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Well, I'm happy to report that it's not nearly as bad as that film.

That being said, the film isn't that much better, sadly. Although, at least this film does at least attempt to make some sort of attempt at plot and character development. Of course, it's all horribly wrong and botched beyond belief, but hey, at least they tried. That's more than I can say for Michael Bay.

Even still, how the hell do you screw up G.I. Joe? I mean, they got the basic idea right. A group of terrorists that originated in the early 12th century France have gotten their hands on some super duper secret weaponry and are now seeking to TAKE OVER THE WORLD MUA HA HA HA and only our heroes G.I. Joe can stop it. Yeah, I wasn't exactly looking for a poignant, thought provoking film that makes look at life differently or anything. I was just expecting some good old cheesy fun that pays homage to G.I. Joe.

And of course they screwed it up.

To begin with, there's mucho character assassination present...

Duke/Scarlet: Duke and Scarlet are not an item whatsoever. Although they felt the need to pair Scarlet up with Rip Cord. Uh..what? Duke in fact, is with....

The Baroness: Yup, the Baroness. Huh?.... Apparently Duke and the Baroness were once an item before he became a member of G.I. Joe. Um, no. She's with Destro. And Destro only.

Cobra Commander: They show his face. Yeah....that's probably the biggest cardinal sin of them all. You guys should've taken the lessons from the G.I. Joe animated movie and learned that that was a supremely bad idea. In fact, Destro and Cobra Commander don't reveal themselves until the final moments of the film, in a lame attempt at surprise, I suppose, and the wait is not worth it. I know that a man with a silver face and a guy in a blue suit with a helmet that covers his whole face already look strange, but the movie makes them look even sillier, and not for the better.

For some odd reason Flint and Lady Jaye weren't present either as they were some of the more popular characters also. I guess they're holding out for G.I. Joe II: The Rise of Vomit.

Really, the only character escape this holy jihad against sticking with source material was Snake Eyes. Oh, and Dennis Quaid as Commander Hawk was pretty cool, despite the fact that he was wasted in the role.

It honestly may seem like I'm being a nerd and nitpicking at things here to those who aren't G.I. Joe fans, but my God, when you change up so many simple things like this, it just really detracts from the experience and it doesn't feel like G.I. Joe, but rather a lame knockoff that just uses the brand name to rack in the money, which, of course, is all it is. Seriously guys, you could Google this crap in less than 10 minutes and find out all of the correct character backstories and relationships.

I might could have forgiven all of this if the action sequences weren't so nonsensical. I already expected over the top action given the source material but even this film takes things to a ludicrous extreme, of which the chase scene in Paris is arguably the most silly. Someone in Hollywood needs to learn that bigger and crazier doesn't necessarily equal better action. It's as though this film did everything in its power to try to one up other Hollywood blockbusters as if to say; "There! Beat that! I dare you." In a scene that resembles Bullitt on LSD, supposedly covert operatives, G.I. Joe chases after the Cobra in a madcap effort from destroying the Eiffel Tower, decked out in these Master Chief looking power suits as they literally run at super speed in order to keep up with the Cobras moving vehicle, literally running into other cars and objects on the highway. Some covert operatives they are. I know you're trying to keep with Michael Bay and top his zany over the top action with your own, Mr. Sommers, but also bear in mind that despite creating a action vehicle cash cow, you have to remember that the action, while over the top, has to make some semblance of sense. A supposedly covert team of operatives running into cars like a destruction derby and causing arguably more destruction than the terrorists themselves doesn't make sense. My God, The Incredible Hulk kicked over less cars than G.I. Joe. Somehow these super powered suits (and since when did G.I. Joe need lame power suits?) also keep them from dying or even feeling the slightest of pain, despite having crashed into a vehicle at speeds of 100 MPH. Yes, it's as ridiculous and looks as utterly fake as it sounds.

And somebody seriously should have told somebody that ice doesn't sink in the water.

That's why the action and indeed the movie fails. In their effort to wow the audience, everything just comes off as looking entirely too fake and coupled with the overuse of GGI graphics, the whole thing looks like a videogame that you can't play. It's almost like the movie needed a HUD with life bars and gun/ammuntion displays. Just like any videogame with too many cutscenes and not enough playtime, G.I. Joe isn't very fun to experience either.I guess life bars and arbitrary numbers on the screen make that much of a difference, I suppose.

G.I. Joe is a poorly done action flick that is neither worth your money or your time, even if you are a long time fan, especially if you are a long time fan given that it pretty much takes a nice little whiz on everything you knew and loved about the cartoon series anyway. It's basically like watching your buddy play Killzone 2 while he shits in your mouth for two hours straight.

Sadly, that's still better than Transformers 2.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Review

Dude #1: “When do we get to see Megan Fox?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. The movie just started.” “Hey, why are those green and pink robots talking black?”

Dude #1: “I dunno. But more importantly, where is Megan Fox?”

“Oh wait, there she is on a….bike…..humina…..humina….humina.”

Dude #2: “Humina….humina….humina.” *drool*

Dude #1: “Woah, check it out dude. That toaster totally turned into a robot and blew up his house. That was awesome, hur.”

Dude #2: “Why are the robots after him?”

Dude #1: “Because they put some thingy in his brain I guess that makes him smart.”

Dude #2: “Pinky and the Brain? Dude, that cartoon was kewl…hee hee.”

Dude #1: “Not Pinky and the Brain, dumbass. Thingy IN his brain.”

Dude #2: “Megan Foxxx……Wait, he’s leavin’ her. He’s goin’ to college. DOES THAT MEAN SHE’S NOT IN TEH MOVIE ANYMORE?! NOO.”

Dude #1: “Dude, this sucks.”

Dude #2: “Yeah, it sucks balls, dude.”

Dude #1: “Wow, the chicks in this college are pretty hot though.” “Man, I wish my college had chicks this hot.” “Hey look the mom just smoked some pot ‘n’ she didn’t know *snrk*.”

Dude #2: “Hur. Hur. That’s awesome.”

Dude #1: “Where’s Megan?”

Dude #2: “I dunno, but that hot blonde is totally tryin’ to do ‘im.”

Dude #1: “Why?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. HOLY CRAP she’s actually the chick from Terminator 3. I didn’t know that was comin’! AWESOME.”

Dude #1: “Why are those robots fighting? I can’t tell who’s who.”

Dude #2: “Um, the guys with the blue eyes are the good guys and the guys with the red eyes are the bad guys.”

Dude #1: “But why are they fighting?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. Look Megan Fox is back. Yesssss…”

Dude #1: “Check it out, that little robot is humping her leg ‘n’ shit.”

Dude #2: “I wanna be that robot, hee hee.” “That’s awesome.”

Dude #1: “Hee hee, that old robot farted.”

Dude #2: “Hee hee.”

Dude #1: “Hur hur.”

Dude #2: “Look, they’re fighting again.” “Look, its military dudes, they look cool.”

Dude #1: “Here come the JORDANIANS!”

Dude #2: “Hee hee, that big one has a set of balls.”

Dude #1: “That’s AWESOME. OhmygodMeganisrunning.”

Dude #2: “Oh God……I can’t take anymore…….she’s running in SLOW MOTION this is so hot….”

Dude #1: “HAWT…”

Dude #2: “Why are the robots fighting again?”

Dude #1: I dunno. Oh man he got to kiss Megan Fox…..

Dude #1 and 2: AWESOME!!!!!!

Katamari Forever Review

Um....you roll a little ball around.































And it picks shit up.
































And then it gets bigger.


































And then you pick even more shit up.


































And it's fun.


































So go buy it. Whee!

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona Review

You know, I’ll be honest. I’m very torn about my feelings when it comes to Persona. On one hand what you have is an excellent redesigned port of an older game that addressed many of the issues that plagued it previously. But on the other hand, the game itself just had a few nagging flaws already to begin with that keep it from being fantastic.

Like many games in the Persona series, this game has an excellent, stylish presentation. Many changes were made to give the game an updated feel and it all works. The new opening video is marvelous and captures the feel of the story perfectly. Other new fully animated FMVs, with voice acting exclusively for the English version as well, and of course, the translation has been completely overhauled, in order to present a more authentic version to the English audience. To continue this update, the music has been entirely redone in the style of some of the more contemporary Persona games. It’s all personal opinion really, but for the most part the new music works and tends to get catchy after awhile, even if you have absolutely no clue what they’re singing. It just gets indoctrinated into your brain after awhile and eventually you start to enjoy it. Of course, this a problem in other Persona games as well, but the biggest problem with the soundtrack is that many of the same tracks often repeat way too many times and your growing affection for the music may quickly turn into seething hatred for the music depending on how long your play session is. 2 to 3 hours nonstop of listening to the battle theme tends to have you reaching for the volume button irregardless of how catchy it becomes. But really that’s a minor issue, even if you hate the music there’s plenty more put into this re-release to enjoy that makes it all worthwhile. But unfortunately, the visuals for the most part have remained largely untouched. It’s initially jarring to see how the graphics have aged to a degree, particularly when witnessing the stiff, wooden, battle animations, but really, the graphics overall haven’t aged that badly and while the graphics have remained largely untouched, the menus have been given a brand new look and are easier to navigate and the absolutely atrocious world map from the original game has been mercifully redesigned. Instead of a hideous 3D map, the developers wisely opted for a panned out 2D map and a simple press of the square button will tell you each location in the immediate area. Game progression is handled much more smoothly this go around. Load times have been shortened. An option to shorten battle animations has been added. Walking speed has been greatly increased and holding down the circle button lets you move even faster. All of this helps create a more enjoyable gameplay experience from the original.

This is a fun game. But it helps to remember that this game is not the same experience you’ll get from playing some of the more recent Persona games. This game settles itself in sort of a limbo between the old school dungeon crawling RPGs of yesterday (dungeons are actually in first person in this one) with the more contemporary story driven RPGs of today. Story is secondary to the actual gameplay and you’ll spend most of your time navigating the many of the labyrinths the game offers. That’s not to say that the story isn’t memorable or doesn’t have memorable characters. In fact, one of Persona’s greatest strengths is in the excellent pacing of the game. The plot is revealed in such a fashion that you get just enough information so that you’re able to figure out what your objective is and move forward with little hassle. Never does the game get sidetracked in its plot, dragging the length of the game to an unnecessary level; in fact the game is only about 20 to 30 hours long depending upon your play style and by the end it doesn’t feel like it was too short or too long, but just right.

However, like I previously stated, you’ll be walking around and navigating dungeons in this game. A lot. That’s not particularly a bad thing though. Because where this game shines more than any other area is in its unique battle system. Similar to a chess board almost, you have to place your characters on a grid and their placement on that grid, coupled with their weapon choice is what determines what enemies they can attack. Characters can choose between both weapon and gun attacks, with guns generally providing better range, but sacrificing power over weapons and of course characters can also summon their Personas in battle as well. Each of your characters can keep a stock of up to 3 Personas at a time, with each character having a different affinity for different Personas. In other words, some Personas work better than others depending on who has it “equipped.” Now a staple of any Persona game, players can create new Personas by visiting Igor in the Velvet Room and fusing them together by obtaining various spell cards from the demons you encounter, which brings up the most unique aspect of the battle system, the negotiations. Yes, in order to be successful in Persona, holding conversations and trying to pick out the right answer to please demons so that they’ll relinquish these cards and other items and money is essential. It seems a little confusing at first but really it’s just a matter of mix and matching, and eventually you’ll figure out what to say to which demon after a few encounters. To help you out a meter that displays the demons’ various emotions is displayed and shows your progress with the negotiation. If you find yourself angering it further and further, try having another character negotiate or try a different approach with the same character. It’s this interaction that keeps battles fun and fresh. They can also save your hide if you’re low on health and suddenly get ambushed from behind.

If you feel put off by things like “dungeon-crawler”, and “negotiation” because it sounds like it’s complicated, don’t be. Actually, arguably this game is perhaps the easiest game in the series, provided you do the main storyline. While the inability to attack every enemy on the screen and only those “in range” force you often times to rely on magic, your magic slowly regenerates as you move outside of battle and no matter what spells that particular Persona has learned, it costs the same amount of MP to use no matter what. In fact, your Personas level up based upon how much you use them in combat so there’s absolutely no reason not to use them frequently in combat. If your main character dies, it’s not an instant game over and while exploiting weaknesses is still a part of the strategy, it’s not as absolutely vital to success as it is in P3 or P4. In fact I progressed through the game and very rarely had to use a healing item. Not to imply that this game is a cakewalk or anything. A cheap death is still very possible. There are a lot of nasty status effects in this game that can disable you if you’re not paying attention and your whole party could be quickly wiped out because they continue to neutralize your members and attempting to flee the battle results in failure more than half of the time. Couple this with a very high encounter rate and you could quickly find yourself loading up your last save if you’re not careful. The game isn’t the hardest RPG out there, but it certainly doesn’t allow you to get lazy. Easily the worst aspect of the game is the ridiculous encounter rate. While negotiation with demons helps somewhat it’s still aggravating to take two steps and immediately be thrust into another battle.

But for all of the game’s flaws there’s still plenty of reasons to give the game at least one play through, but really to get the maximum enjoyment from it, multiple play throughs are recommended. In fact, the alternate side-quest, the Snow Queen Quest has been added to this version of the game which was cut out of the original and offers a completely different storyline from the main game. While this is intriguing, I should give a fair warning and say that this is significantly more difficult than the main storyline, although it’s still do-able provided you have the time and patience to complete it. Each story has both a bad and a good ending and which party members you can take along can vary depending upon your responses and choices as you play which makes each play experience different from others.

It’s a little rough around the edges, but overall I enjoyed this revisit to see where the Persona series began. This game won’t set the world on fire or anything but I encourage all fans of the Shin Megami Tensei series to check it out, especially if you’ve never played the original release on PSX. It’s been given a cool new look and feel and while visually it doesn’t really impress by today’s standards the game mechanics still shine and provide two things that are timeless; an intriguing story and plain good ol’ fun.