Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker First Impressions

So I’ve logged about roughly 5 hours into Peace Walker and so far I haven’t enjoyed a Metal Gear this much since Snake Eater, in fact this game seems to ignore the oft maligned (and rightly so) Portable Ops and picks up right where Snake Eater left off in terms of story. This time they got the play control down right. At first it seemed a tad bit confusing but now things seem second nature and within about 30 minutes I was sneaking around like a pro. Thankfully Kojima and his team seem to have taken a few lessons they learned from the new play control schematic in MGS4 and applied to Peace Walker, while at the same time addressing some of the more annoying points from that game. Seriously, who ever thought being forced to shoot a ton of Bob-Ombs in Chapter 4 for the whole damn level would be fun should be kicked in the nuts.
However, thanks to the PSPs simplified controller, you can’t do as much in terms of moves and stealth options but the game more than makes up for it with it’s almost RPG like item management component. Assigning members to various positions and outfitting them with various weaponry and gear and training them so they gain experience in target practice modes is extraordinarily fun. Essentially, this is the first real game to capture the Metal Gear experience on the go and its perfect for on the go play as the story is divided up into short, but plentiful missions while the story provides just enough for those who don’t want to get wrapped up in lengthy 30 minute long conversations, but still extensive enough to provide lots of background info for those who want to learn a bit more about the game’s world and characters in the form of briefing files that can be played at any time before the mission. There’s something for everyone here and so far its quickly becoming my favorite PSP game ever.




In other unrelated news, any action movie fan should definitely check out From Paris With Love, I was pleasantly surprised; it’s a good decent action flick that doesn’t try to dazzle with special effects or show copious amounts of blood/sex to get attention. It’s a nice throwback to action films of old with solid pacing and a decent cast. One of Travolta’s better films in a while.

A Videogame Movie?Run Awayyyyyy!!!

So I managed to catch Gamer. And yes, it sucked. I guess I could end the synopsis right here but I'll elaborate some more since I know everyone out there in internet land is only dying for my opinion. Actually....believe it or not...the movie isn't as horribly bad as I expected. But then again that's faint praise as I merely got a train wreck instead of a nuclear holocaust. The idea actually had some potential; a reality game that uses real life people as avatars that are controlled by other people themselves forced to play a multiplayer deathmatch. What could have been a decent, if not overly stylish commentary on human will and the dark ugly truth about our own species resembling the snake eating its tail instead descended into mindless nonsense designed to shock and oddly revel in the violence it intended to make a commentary on. It went from making fun of a Uwe Boll movie almost to....well, becoming a Uwe Boll movie. Oh well.

A small Disney fanboy plea.

If you haven't done so yet, please, please, please for the love of God go watch The Princess and the Frog in theaters sometime. Not necessarily because I think it's such a great movie (it is but that's beside the point), but rather because if this movie grosses well Disney might actually make even more 2D films and that's a good thing. They've been stuck in crappy 3D cartoon hell for several years thanks to the utter failure of Treasure Planet and perhaps they can finally return to prominence and maybe Jeffery Katzenberg will light a fire in his ass and create something quality like The Prince of Egypt instead of this "furry little critters get into madcap hijinx" nonsense we've all been subjected to for nearly a decade and finally leave this pathetic blight on American animation behind. I'm serious. Shrek FOUR is on it's way sometime next year. Be afraid. They'll keep making this horseshit too if you don't show them that 2D movies can still make money.

One Man's Twilight is Another Man's Dawn.

You know, this weekend is one of those times that I'm glad that I don't have a girlfriend.

There's no way in hell I'd be caught anywhere near that thing. I almost feel sorry for all of the poor souls who have their significant other drag them to watch....nay, suffer through this film.

Okay, okay, I know I'm being a bit of a facetious jerk here; it's not going to be nearly as bad as say, Tranformers or G.I. Joe or presumably any other film Hasbro decides to make.

However, will it still be utterly pretentious, moody and annoying as hell?

Yes.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Review

I went into G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra with much trepidation, I have heard many stories about how horrible the film was, and even some stories went so far as to say that it's somehow worse than even the mighty ball of suck that is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Well, I'm happy to report that it's not nearly as bad as that film.

That being said, the film isn't that much better, sadly. Although, at least this film does at least attempt to make some sort of attempt at plot and character development. Of course, it's all horribly wrong and botched beyond belief, but hey, at least they tried. That's more than I can say for Michael Bay.

Even still, how the hell do you screw up G.I. Joe? I mean, they got the basic idea right. A group of terrorists that originated in the early 12th century France have gotten their hands on some super duper secret weaponry and are now seeking to TAKE OVER THE WORLD MUA HA HA HA and only our heroes G.I. Joe can stop it. Yeah, I wasn't exactly looking for a poignant, thought provoking film that makes look at life differently or anything. I was just expecting some good old cheesy fun that pays homage to G.I. Joe.

And of course they screwed it up.

To begin with, there's mucho character assassination present...

Duke/Scarlet: Duke and Scarlet are not an item whatsoever. Although they felt the need to pair Scarlet up with Rip Cord. Uh..what? Duke in fact, is with....

The Baroness: Yup, the Baroness. Huh?.... Apparently Duke and the Baroness were once an item before he became a member of G.I. Joe. Um, no. She's with Destro. And Destro only.

Cobra Commander: They show his face. Yeah....that's probably the biggest cardinal sin of them all. You guys should've taken the lessons from the G.I. Joe animated movie and learned that that was a supremely bad idea. In fact, Destro and Cobra Commander don't reveal themselves until the final moments of the film, in a lame attempt at surprise, I suppose, and the wait is not worth it. I know that a man with a silver face and a guy in a blue suit with a helmet that covers his whole face already look strange, but the movie makes them look even sillier, and not for the better.

For some odd reason Flint and Lady Jaye weren't present either as they were some of the more popular characters also. I guess they're holding out for G.I. Joe II: The Rise of Vomit.

Really, the only character escape this holy jihad against sticking with source material was Snake Eyes. Oh, and Dennis Quaid as Commander Hawk was pretty cool, despite the fact that he was wasted in the role.

It honestly may seem like I'm being a nerd and nitpicking at things here to those who aren't G.I. Joe fans, but my God, when you change up so many simple things like this, it just really detracts from the experience and it doesn't feel like G.I. Joe, but rather a lame knockoff that just uses the brand name to rack in the money, which, of course, is all it is. Seriously guys, you could Google this crap in less than 10 minutes and find out all of the correct character backstories and relationships.

I might could have forgiven all of this if the action sequences weren't so nonsensical. I already expected over the top action given the source material but even this film takes things to a ludicrous extreme, of which the chase scene in Paris is arguably the most silly. Someone in Hollywood needs to learn that bigger and crazier doesn't necessarily equal better action. It's as though this film did everything in its power to try to one up other Hollywood blockbusters as if to say; "There! Beat that! I dare you." In a scene that resembles Bullitt on LSD, supposedly covert operatives, G.I. Joe chases after the Cobra in a madcap effort from destroying the Eiffel Tower, decked out in these Master Chief looking power suits as they literally run at super speed in order to keep up with the Cobras moving vehicle, literally running into other cars and objects on the highway. Some covert operatives they are. I know you're trying to keep with Michael Bay and top his zany over the top action with your own, Mr. Sommers, but also bear in mind that despite creating a action vehicle cash cow, you have to remember that the action, while over the top, has to make some semblance of sense. A supposedly covert team of operatives running into cars like a destruction derby and causing arguably more destruction than the terrorists themselves doesn't make sense. My God, The Incredible Hulk kicked over less cars than G.I. Joe. Somehow these super powered suits (and since when did G.I. Joe need lame power suits?) also keep them from dying or even feeling the slightest of pain, despite having crashed into a vehicle at speeds of 100 MPH. Yes, it's as ridiculous and looks as utterly fake as it sounds.

And somebody seriously should have told somebody that ice doesn't sink in the water.

That's why the action and indeed the movie fails. In their effort to wow the audience, everything just comes off as looking entirely too fake and coupled with the overuse of GGI graphics, the whole thing looks like a videogame that you can't play. It's almost like the movie needed a HUD with life bars and gun/ammuntion displays. Just like any videogame with too many cutscenes and not enough playtime, G.I. Joe isn't very fun to experience either.I guess life bars and arbitrary numbers on the screen make that much of a difference, I suppose.

G.I. Joe is a poorly done action flick that is neither worth your money or your time, even if you are a long time fan, especially if you are a long time fan given that it pretty much takes a nice little whiz on everything you knew and loved about the cartoon series anyway. It's basically like watching your buddy play Killzone 2 while he shits in your mouth for two hours straight.

Sadly, that's still better than Transformers 2.

I "Saw" enough.

Well, it looks like they've reached the point to where Saw freakin' six is in theaters. Well, ladies and gentlemen, like any proper horror franchise, this series has no idea when to quit. In any case, believe it or not, there was one point in which I actually used to like these films. After I caught Saw III in theaters, I wrote this up. From October 31, 2006.....

I lied. I went and saw a horror movie last night. Yeah, yeah, I remember all that crap I went on about how I refused to watch anymore horror movies earlier in the year after viewing the trifecta of suck known as The Fog, When A Stranger Calls and last but not least The Hills Have Eyes; however, bear in mind that I said I refused to watch any shitty horror movies. I didn't say I wouldn't mind taking a trip to the local theater to catch up on the good stuff. Or at least stuff that seemed good anyway. Like Saw III.

Yes, somehow, someway, I've managed to find enjoyment out of not one, not two, but three indulgent gore fests, not only liking them but considering owning the films as well. See, while Saw III went even more over the top with the gore and blood, the film still had the great writing and suspenseful surprises to let me over look that part of the film. Saw III was not only a good movie in its own right, it actually wrapped up everything in the first two films in a nice neat package and choosing to end the film in such a way that seemed to give a hearty "screw you" to anyone who thought about making a Saw "4" and I thank them for that. Saw III even attempted to offer insight into why Jigsaw does what he does, something that was touched upon in the second film, but never fully explained. In this way, they've taken a generic bad guy character who seemed to be completely devoid of personality in the first film and by the end of the third film made him an almost sympathetic character as you understand fully the motiviating factors for his actions.

A lot of people when mentioning the Saw movies just talk about all of the blood and gore of the film. But you see, what separates the Saw films from other violent piles of crap like Hostel or Rest Stop is that rather than be the focal point of the film, the blood and gore is simply a backdrop for a well fleshed out story that slowly reveals itself piece by piece over the course of three films.

But let's not kid ourselves here, Saw III was violent as hell. Way over the top and at many times unnecessarily so, you can almost hear the director in the background saying "we gotta make this more brutal than the other two". I guess I can't fault the movie makers that much, though. I mean, given its target audience. 90% of the people going to see that film see no difference between Saw or any of that other violent horror crap, anyways. If the film didn't have buckets of blood people would hate it. Good writing and paying careful attention to the first two movies be damned, he smushed his foot wit teh ston tablet, HUR HUR HUR. Yeah, dood! I SAW it! LOL.

But whatever, I'll enjoy this as a victory for horror movies. Hooray for the best line of horror films to come out in over a decade. Let us all rejoice.

At least until Hostel 2.

Yeah.......scratch that crap. Some goofballs decided to pen a lame script for a sequel and the original creators couldn't help but say, "Show me the money!" This series has transformed into everything that is utterly wrong with horror films these days. And much like I figured, any possible way to try to continue this plot would only end in disaster, yet somehow they've managed to crank out three more sequels to this thing. The plot hasn't just been stretched thin, it's been ripped to shreds and left for dead. But I'm sure some folks are gonna die in some more ever increasingly asinine of ways. Ways so ridiculous it begins to border on the comical. Yes, the deaths have become so over the top they almost make you laugh as this series wallows gleefully in its excesses, completely and utterly ignorant of the hole it continues to dig for itself. Oh well, as long as somebody's neck gets twisted right? Hell, James Wan, the original director and later producer, doesn't even have anything to do with this nonsense anymore. In fact, I think he's directing the movie adaptation of Castlevania. That'll be....interesting. Anyway, I implore all of you. Don't go see this movie. For my sake. I'm sick of seeing saw.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Review

Dude #1: “When do we get to see Megan Fox?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. The movie just started.” “Hey, why are those green and pink robots talking black?”

Dude #1: “I dunno. But more importantly, where is Megan Fox?”

“Oh wait, there she is on a….bike…..humina…..humina….humina.”

Dude #2: “Humina….humina….humina.” *drool*

Dude #1: “Woah, check it out dude. That toaster totally turned into a robot and blew up his house. That was awesome, hur.”

Dude #2: “Why are the robots after him?”

Dude #1: “Because they put some thingy in his brain I guess that makes him smart.”

Dude #2: “Pinky and the Brain? Dude, that cartoon was kewl…hee hee.”

Dude #1: “Not Pinky and the Brain, dumbass. Thingy IN his brain.”

Dude #2: “Megan Foxxx……Wait, he’s leavin’ her. He’s goin’ to college. DOES THAT MEAN SHE’S NOT IN TEH MOVIE ANYMORE?! NOO.”

Dude #1: “Dude, this sucks.”

Dude #2: “Yeah, it sucks balls, dude.”

Dude #1: “Wow, the chicks in this college are pretty hot though.” “Man, I wish my college had chicks this hot.” “Hey look the mom just smoked some pot ‘n’ she didn’t know *snrk*.”

Dude #2: “Hur. Hur. That’s awesome.”

Dude #1: “Where’s Megan?”

Dude #2: “I dunno, but that hot blonde is totally tryin’ to do ‘im.”

Dude #1: “Why?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. HOLY CRAP she’s actually the chick from Terminator 3. I didn’t know that was comin’! AWESOME.”

Dude #1: “Why are those robots fighting? I can’t tell who’s who.”

Dude #2: “Um, the guys with the blue eyes are the good guys and the guys with the red eyes are the bad guys.”

Dude #1: “But why are they fighting?”

Dude #2: “I dunno. Look Megan Fox is back. Yesssss…”

Dude #1: “Check it out, that little robot is humping her leg ‘n’ shit.”

Dude #2: “I wanna be that robot, hee hee.” “That’s awesome.”

Dude #1: “Hee hee, that old robot farted.”

Dude #2: “Hee hee.”

Dude #1: “Hur hur.”

Dude #2: “Look, they’re fighting again.” “Look, its military dudes, they look cool.”

Dude #1: “Here come the JORDANIANS!”

Dude #2: “Hee hee, that big one has a set of balls.”

Dude #1: “That’s AWESOME. OhmygodMeganisrunning.”

Dude #2: “Oh God……I can’t take anymore…….she’s running in SLOW MOTION this is so hot….”

Dude #1: “HAWT…”

Dude #2: “Why are the robots fighting again?”

Dude #1: I dunno. Oh man he got to kiss Megan Fox…..

Dude #1 and 2: AWESOME!!!!!!

A Movie That May Make Transformers 2 Look Like A Masterpiece

Please don't bother going to see this piece of shit this weekend. I'm pretty sure it's nothing more than an evil social experiment by Hollywood executives to figure out how much money they can make without having to come up with things like special effects, a plot, etc. I'm serious. This movie is MST3K material if it wasn't for its lead star, Megan Fox. She should just go do porn. She'd probably make a lot more money.

Super Anime Movie Fun Time

Oh Dragonball Evolution, Dragonball Evolution…..how much did I love thee? Let us indeed count the ways.

Oh who am I kidding? Everyone knows this is an absolute turdburger. I mean, just look at it. I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover and all that but it looks plain ridiculous. I had almost contemplated not writing a review of this movie it was so bad. It’s like picking on the smelly kid who eats glue in elementary school. It just feels freaking mean to rag on this obvious abortion of a film, but I’ll go ahead and opt to do it anyway, because it freakin’ deserves it man.

To be fair, it’s not like the source material for this movie was all that great to begin with. I mean, let’s face it, Dragonball kinda sucked. I used to watch it years ago as a kid but now that I’m a little older, and have since seen much more sophisticated anime over the years, I now realize that it’s just not that good. It’s not the bad English dub or anything like that; even the Japanese original isn’t that good. Even still, this franchise deserved much better treatment on the silver screen than what it was given with this pile of nonsense. For starters, let me clarify something. This film is actually based on Dragonball, not Z; as in, the original series. This is a somewhat strange decision as in the US at least, DBZ is immensely more popular than the original series because we were introduced to Z first and Z has much more of a focus on action than its original counterpart. So why in the world did they not just make a DBZ movie? Did they honestly think this movie would sell? Guess what, it didn’t. It did horrible numbers at the box office and apparently the people who made the film realized their mistake a bit too late and tried in vain to slap “Z” edition on the DVD and BRD in an effort to sell more copies I guess. This film is only very loosely based on the original series, however. To say that this movie takes liberties with the canon of the manga is a pretty big understatement. This movie roughly combines Goku’s initial meeting with Bulma and then fast forwards to the very end of Dragonball itself where he takes on King Piccolo. Therein lies one major problem. This one 90 min. film can’t possibly express Dragonball’s long 3 arc manga in such a short time frame. The film barely has anytime to exposit any dialogue explaining what is going on and making any effort for the viewer to care. This leaves virtually no room whatsoever for things like character development as the story rushes from one scene to the next. Piccolo is easily one of the most dull, uninteresting villains I have ever seen. No explanation is given for how the seal that kept him locked away for a millennia was broken. No reason is given whatsoever why he wishes to destroy the world, or whatever his wish will be. The movie doesn’t even explain that to any degree of satisfaction. As a result, the viewer is given little reason to care about the goings on. Not a single character in this film displayed any sort of individual personality.

Seperated at birth?!

So yeah, I mean, look at it. Should I honestly have expected a decent plot? Of course I didn’t. I figured at least the choreography would be sound. Nope. This has got to be some of Stephen Chow’s worst work ever. Combat is slow, boring, and predictable. Everything Dragonball is not. Where was the over the top action? Where was the crashing into mountains and battling at breakneck speeds? That is what Dragonball is about. That is what everyone wants to see in this film and that is why it made little money at the box office when everyone dumb enough to go see it the opening weekend spread the word to others that this is not what the film offers.

Perhaps this is a good thing, however, as many of the special effects were absolutely laughable anyways. Goku’s Kamehameha wave looked like a propane gas leak. The Oozaru transformation looked like it could have been done on an Xbox 360. In short, this film offers nothing visually, nothing choreographically and nothing from a storytelling standpoint.

Overall, it’s exactly what I figured it would be and that’s why I felt almost bad to rag on it. It already embarrasses itself. Perhaps when they decide to do Bleach: Evolution 10 years from now and Tite Kubo sells his properties and his soul for more cash, maybe I’ll be feeling a little more generous and not rip apart a film that just simply doesn’t know any better. But I doubt it.

Who watches the Watchmen? Well, if you like good movies, I would.

The Watchmen is an absolutely tremendous comic book adaptation. Set in an alternate 1985, where Richard Nixon is President, the threat of a nuclear holocaust is a very real danger and superheroes exist, the film begins with an unknown assailant tossing an ex superhero out of his window onto the ground below, killing him. Things initially make no sense but slowly and beautifully does the plot unravel. Eventually, the killer is found and the mystery solved, but there is so much more to the story than that. Sure, the suspense of finding out who the killer is, is intriguing, but really that simply serves as an initial attention getter in order to keep you interested for what this story is really trying to tell you. For those that have never read the graphic novel upon which it’s based, this is not a typical tale of good vs. evil where the heroes come together to stop an all powerful villain. In fact, this story is largely a critique of the entire “superhero” concept. This story is both a murder mystery and a morality play that challenges to see the world in shades of grey rather than simple black and white. The “heroes” in this movie all have problems just as any other normal human beings would. Much like actors in a play, once these heroes go home and remove their costumes, they often face many of life’s problems just like anyone else. While those not already familiar with the characters watching the movie and trying to remember all of the characters might seem like a daunting task initially, the movie very skillfully utilizes its lengthy 3 hours of play time to slowly flesh out each of the important characters back stories. That ultimately, is the greatest strength of this film. It does an excellent job of deviating from the main plot just long enough to give you just enough information that you care about the characters on screen without losing focus of the present. It’s a very fine line that this movie walks to perfection. Of course the film has some great stylized action sequences inserted throughout as well. Given the director, Zack Snyder, who also did 300, you would come to expect this level of hard hitting brutality. There’s no fanciness to any of it really. It’s very realistic and serves the underlying purpose of showing that these heroes must do some very violent things in the name of justice. Some even resort to killing, in order to give the bad guys what they deserve. The story makes no commentary against such actions, its just there, for you to make your own interpretation. This is a movie of questions, not answers.

In the end this movie provides one of the most satisfying comic book movie experiences I’ve ever had. It provides a very satisfying ending that makes you question what exactly is good and what exactly is bad in the world. In essence, it uses the idea of comic books and superheroes to tell a story critiquing the basic nature of all human beings, even seemingly infallible superheroes are in the end, just like you and I. Dr. Manhattan said it best when he stated that he still can’t change his reaction to the future, just because he knows about it. Despite having almost God like powers, simple things still affect him emotionally. Watchmen was always my favorite of Alan Moore’s graphic novels, and it’s great to see it get the treatment it deserves on the big screen. I just wish League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was this good.

Revenge of the Fallen Standards

Since the time I've seen Transformers last Thursday, over the weekend many other people have been given the chance to watch the movie and many find that I've been a little too hard on the film by pretty much declaring it to be a total pile of crap. It's not that the film is totally devoid of merit or anything, its just that I figured there'd be no point in pointing out the obvious stuff that would be good, like say, the special effects. I mean, if there's anything good about Michael Bay's films its that you know there's gonna be really good production values behind it. The problem is, someone decided that things like character development and good writing need not apply, they took it a step further and decided that simple common sense need not apply. I'm really not even sure why they bothered with dialogue, the whole film could have been giant robots beating the crap out of each other while Megan Fox poledanced in the background. But I guess the writers wouldn't get to flex their comedic muscle and write such witty dialogue.

Currently, on the IMDB this film has a rating of 6.8 with a little over 20,000 votes. This overall rating doesn't really jive with my overall beratement of the film, I'd give it no higher than a 3/10 personally, because at least the film was visually pleasing and there were a few moments where I actually said, "hey, that was neat". But anyway, I blame this discrepancy more on the fact that people have lowered their standards of quality rather than me being too hard on the movie. That being said, I do realize I may have been too hard on some films in the past, and I now owe a public apology the following films that everyone else seems to love but I hated....

Pirates of the Carribbean Dead Man's Chest and At World's End

Spiderman 3

Hulk (2003 ver.)

Final Fantasy Advent Children

Twilight

I now realize these movies could have been far, far worse.