The Spike VGAs: Seven Years of Taking a Dump on Gamers

There’s this little thing that happens every December. It’s a sad piece of crap and offensive turd burger of a program known simply as the Spike Videogame Awards, or more commonly referred to as “The VGAs.” This show supposedly honors the very best in gaming for that particular year by handing out prestigious “awards” to the winners and honoring the accolades of the gaming industry. Personally, I would have cut through the bullshit and gone with this title to lay out what this show really is…




The scariest part about this is the fact that this show has been on going for SEVEN YEARS. Yes, for seven fucking years gamers have continued to watch as this drivel assaults their senses year after year. Honestly after watching the original show, I would never have even dreamed they’d bother with doing another show much less have it carry on for nearly a decade now. Even David Spade, the host of the original show, with his limited knowledge of gaming or the gaming industry, knew barely 30 minutes into the original show’s broadcast that Spike TV and whatever corporate assholes’ dick they sucked to hock their shitty product on their programming were dropping a collective turd in a bowl and serving it to gamers and telling them “Eat hearty!” By the end of the thing he looked worn and like he didn’t want to be there and I really can’t blame him. He got their money and never returned and thank God for that.

And for seven years after this awful show this has been allowed to continue! Have these shows gotten any better since? Of course not! In fact I’d challenge that they’ve become worse. Every year its nothing more than a giant EA/Activision or whatever gaming company that decides to shell out the massive ad dollars circle jerk and wankfest to sell a product to gamers, not to honor gaming oh lord no, but to hard sell a product for the next year. Most of it is crap anyways. Most of it is the same shit you played last year but with another name tacked on the end of it. If Activision isn’t trying to make you buy yet another one of their lame franchise games it’s EA trying to make their own piece of shit carbon copy of a gaming fad that is already growing stale and doesn’t necessarily need yet another title hopping on the bandwagon. (Dante’s Inferno, Medal of Honor) These people come out here and don’t bother offering a fresh product, worthy of unveiling, instead come out here and crow “We’re gonna do it again! Fuck all you people who bought our last game, we’re gonna repackage the same shit and sell it to you again next year!” And people still continue to watch this drivel.

For seven years, Spike TV has used what should be a tribute to gaming as nothing more than a celebrity ass kissing contest, whoring out award presentation spots to only the lowliest of celebrities who are either tethered to appear there contractually (Tony Hawk) or a fucking talent less piece of shit comedian like Jack Black who appears year after year to hard sell whatever crappy movie he’s going to appear in and if he’s not doing that he’s taking a huge crap all over the gaming industry and the hobby of gaming in general with his crackpot skits and crude tasteless jokes. Two years ago the show opened with him rubbing his body on game consoles, molesting them with his naked body before a Wii came in and shot him in the head and you people still return two years after this fucking embarrassment to gaming and watch this crap. Are you insane? Any other celebrity involved with this mess looks like they flat don’t want to be there and who could blame them? Half of them don’t even play videogames, half of them are swimsuit models or hot actresses who are only there for the audience to collectively ogle. They look on as they’re accepted a piece of shit of an award that looks like a 3rd grade art project created by one of the executives son’s in the back hours before the show and are like “My God, what in the fuck am I doing here?”

When Spike is not turning my love of gaming into a venue to shill their shitty television that no one watches by constantly promoting their bad TV shows or carting Dana White out there to sell his UFC which is the only thing that network can put on that anyone gives a damn about, they every once in awhile decide to actually present some awards. The problem is that most of these awards aren’t even presented formally. They simply run down a list of the winners and don’t even bother to have any actual real names in the game industry accept any of these things. Why that would take time away from the pretaped skits and the bad outdated musical acts! Moreover, it’s painfully obvious that these awards are rigged from the start as only the companies that are willing to shell out the mighty dollar ever win anything. Nintendo, realizing that they should stay far away from this farce of an awards ceremony, is constantly snubbed year after year after year because they don’t bother to partake in this industry killing piece of shit. Oh sure Spike says that this stuff is viewers choice, but Spike are the ones who get to pick the nominees, not gamers. Hence the reason Super Mario Galaxy 2 wasn’t even up for NOMINATION to kill off any possibility of Nintendo ever winning anything besides their own “Best Wii Game” category that Spike treats as if it were like winning the Special Olympics. Spike never even bothers to offer any sort of verifiable voting percentages of who won by what margin which makes one question the credibility of the voting to start with. And really even if it was kosher, there are too many stupid fanboys out there who wouldn’t look at the games objectively and simply just vote out of blind Fanboyism anyways. These awards are nothing more than an excuse for some game company who paid Spike good money so they can in turn slap a pretty “Spike VGA Award Winner!” sticker on the same damn game and repackage it as an excuse to keep it at full price months after it’s been released. Hello to a few more months at $59.99 MSRB Red Dead Redemption!

For seven long years this has been allowed to continue and the scariest part is that some gamers accept this as any realistic awards show worthy of discussion or even partake in it. My question to you is why? These people who have proven time and time again that they can’t grab their ass with both hands, present to you not a product worthy of respect or adulation from the gaming industry, not a product that you can be proud to show non gamers exactly what makes gaming such a great art form and medium but instead a bad variety comedy show that literally, and I mean LITERALLY in the case of Jack Black, takes gaming and fondles and rapes it in front of your eyes and you people take it and accept it as some sort of legitimate awards show worthy of your time! It’s not an awards show, it’s a marketing scheme designed to sell you a bunch of shit while these corporate fat cats are laughing themselves silly to the bank as they piss in the viewers collective faces! Fuck Spike and fuck anyone involved in this shit. The only thing that would have made this year’s show any good is if someone took all of the celebrities and people responsible for this crap locked them into a small room and rolled a small hand grenade inside sparing us any future misery! Because they can’t even do what they set out to do properly, market a bunch of shit to 18-35 year old males, which is clearly the target demographic for this show. These group of idiots are completely out of touch with most gamers in this demographic and its proven year after year. When they’re not telling a bunch of stupid toilet jokes that only an 11 year old kid could find somewhat worthy of a chuckle or two, they’re carting out a bunch of 50 year old grey haired musical acts like Motley Crue or Def Leppard to perform for the delight of no one but themselves. Nothing says “Hey, the gaming industry deserves to be respected as a legitimate mainstream product every bit as good as movies or books” like carting out two decade old acts whose last meaningful gig was before the fall of the Berlin Wall. Seriously, fuck you Spike! You’re killing the gaming industry!

My mother years ago witnessed me watching the VGAs and after a few minutes she just shook her head and left the room. Spike, that is what people who are non gamers think of your awards show and that’s what you make them think of gaming in general. It’s seen as a goddamn joke worthy of nothing but scorn and contempt and at best, head shaking sympathy that this is falsely advertised as anything other than a complete and utter mockery of the form of entertainment I have grown up with and cherish. The worst part about is that gamers let them do it! You let them keep putting this crap on by not turning your backs on this garbage. You partake in it, you watch it. You tell them, “Hey, I like what you’re going to the gaming industry. I like the mockery you’re making it out to be.” You let them cart out unfunny celebrities who don’t even want to be there and in the case of Sarah Silverman, take a complete shit on you by continuing to perpetuate the bullshit stereotype that gamers are nothing more than pasty faced geeks who live in their parent’s basement eating pizza and guzzling Mountain Dew. Me personally, I expect more.

So then, to wrap it up, I now issue my challenge to you, the readers of this humble blog of mine. I challenge you to find anything and I mean ANYTHING that you can point to that shows that these awards show are beneficial to the gaming industry in any meaningful way. Point to one thing, just one thing that makes anyone say “Hey, this was beneficial to the gaming industry.” I challenge you. And to people who watch simply for the trailers, you’re a fool. You watch this crap just to see the trailers that 1up has up before the show is even off the air? Why? Who cares if you get to be the “first” to see it! Is it really worth letting Spike know that you’re ok with this industry killing pig shit they force-feed down your throat every year? Is it really worth letting Spike take our industry and flush it down the toilet and continue to let it be seen as the bastard redheaded stepchild but other forms of mainstream media? Is it? Just think about that for a minute or two and you might have your answer. If anyone out there wishes to refute my claims or give me any positive reasons why this crap should continue to air year after year, or be seriously covered or talked about or accepted by anyone in the gaming industry, please offer your comments below and I might even agree with you! But until I’m proven otherwise I demand more from an awards show dedicated to gamers and I refuse to allow a bunch of corporate jackasses to shit on my favorite form of entertainment year after year.

Diary of a Mad (and I do mean mad) Sonic Fanboy: Chapter Five

So I got this in a private message and I was none too happy about it. I mean, would YOU be?


Tsuzura_Saki: Are you gonna play Sonic ‘06?

KenolaBar: Sadly, yes, I have to. God help me. How can you ask such a thing of your best friend?

Yeah Saki, how could you? You're an ass.






Well, here we are. Up to this point this blog series had been titled, “Diary of a Mad Sonic Fanboy” although I’ve spent nearly four installments praising the franchise for the most part. Well, it is now time for us to come to the “Mad” portion of our journey, as Sonic the Hedgehog would begin his eventual descent into madness for 7 long years with no end in sight. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the downfall of Sonic.

Lets rewind the clock to 2003. Sega Dreamcast had sadly been nothing more than a footnote in gaming history as it lasted barely even a year in the eyes of the gaming industry. While this was a major blow to Sega fans like myself we still held out optimism because now Sega could produce games for any platform they desired. This in theory is a good thing as now they have the freedom to design games for the platform of their choice and more of their games could be enjoyed and appreciated by a broader audience. In all honesty this should have propelled Sonic to new heights but history has shown that not to be the case. Still, in 2003 we got….

Sonic Heroes

Even though we had gotten ports of Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 for the Gamecube and Sonic Advance on GBA before this, me going to my local store to preorder the game on a Nintendo console just blew my mind. I never ever thought I’d see the day a major Sonic game would ever be released for a Nintendo console. I guess a comparison for today’s standards would be like seeing a new Halo announced for PS3. It was just one of those surreal “it will never happen what if” sort of things. I had no doubt in my mind that Heroes would continue the success of Sonic. Well, I was wrong. Not to say that Heroes is a bad game really. I mean, their intentions were there. Unfortunately this idea of Tag Team Sonic just didn’t work well within the context of traditional platform design that the series was accustomed to. Perhaps a slower paced RPG style of game would have benefited better. Often times this constant need to switch characters mid level slowed the pace of the stages leading to a sort of unevenness. You go from zipping at super speeds to sudden stops to where the game almost slows to a crawl. Couple this with some horrendously bad camera angles and you have a recipe for frustration. This game also marks the point where too many characters were added unnecessarily to the game’s plot. While the plot itself isn’t particularly bad, (It’s a simple story about how Dr. Robotnik is up to his old tricks while Sonic and pals rush off to save the day) but many of the characters were thrown in for the sake of adding characters and didn’t necessarily need to be involved. The game was too bloated for it’s own good and while it was never horrible really, none of the game seemed very polished and everything just had sort of a thrown together “meh” feeling as a result. Sonic felt like an old relic of the 90s who just couldn’t get with the times and be as fun and inventive as Mario. Sonic Heroes was a disappointment and the first real major Sonic game to be negatively received by most in the gaming community. Oh and it also happened to have the worst theme song ever. Thanks, dicks.

Shadow the Hedgehog

Well, Sega took these criticisms to heart and fixed that for their next installment right? With Sonic being in clear need of some fresh ideas he was shelved for awhile to make room for Shadow the Hedgehog who had become a very popular character in his own right since his SA2 debut. It was high time he had his own game and part of me was excited that Sega would give Sonic a rest for awhile until they could create some fresh ideas that didn’t feel rehashed or stupid. And Sega did create fresh new ideas. The problem is, they threw everything great about the franchise away and replaced it with crap! Seriously, a lot of people point to the game that came after this as everything wrong with Sonic in this time period and while they do have a point as that game was pretty lousy to put it nicely, I point to this game as being the first game to show signs that Sonic as a franchise was in some serious danger. This is the first major Sonic game I never bothered to own. My faith in Sonic Team was shaken after Heroes and I approached this one with trepidation simply only opting to rent it and test the waters before dropping my $50 on it. And lord have mercy were my fears justified. I mean just look at the cover. Putting a fucking gun in the hand of Shadow pretty much sealed this games fate before I even put the disc in.

Yeah at first it looks like the usual Sonic fare and a return to series roots with a fresh Shadow coat of paint. And sure while it didn’t reinvent the franchise in the ways it should have I could honestly have lived with that if that was all it was. But oh no. Sega decided the Sonic series needed some reinvigorating the only problem is that they had absolutely zero clue as to where that innovation should begin. Sonic the Hedgehog was all about fun and vibrant colors and displaying a general uplifting positive sense of feeling right? This one….not so much. Areas were dull and uninspired. Everything was dull and gray and unappealing to the eyes. There was entirely too much darkness. The musical style was atrocious. Jun Senoue should be embarrassed he had a hand in composing this musical ensemble of techno vomit. Seriously, one thing that you could always say about Sonic was that it had good music at least. Shadow the Hedgehog ended that tradition with a resounding thud.

Ok so the presentation sucks, how about the story? God, I dare say the plot to this game is worse. Look Sega, no one plays Sonic for plot. I think Adventure 2 kind of got too plot heavy for my own tastes but it was still within the realm of simplicity for the most part. Shadow takes it to a ludicrous level of overdramatic. I’ll attempt to keep this as concise as humanly possible…

Basically…oh fuck it this is what Wikipedia said, let them explain this horseshit.

The G.U.N. (Guardian Units of Nations) is an unnamed country's military federation that is run by the G.U.N. commander. When completing "Hero" missions, Shadow helps them,[10] as well as other characters from the series such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prower, Knuckles the Echidna, Amy Rose, Rouge the Bat, Charmy Bee, Vector the Crocodile,[5] and Espio the Chameleon.[12] Their aim is to protect Earth from Doctor Eggman and the Black Arms. The Black Arms is an alien race headed by Black Doom. Black Doom sends an extension of himself, called Doom's Eye, to spy on Shadow and assist him in his missions. When completing "Dark" missions, Shadow helps them, as well as Doctor Eggman. Their aim is to obtain the Chaos Emeralds for themselves

….God enough. Do I really need to continue? This game drove the franchise so far off the rails it isn’t even funny. The gameplay actually managed to be worse than Heroes with a lousier camera angle and Shadow controlled like a drunk ice skater. They tried to add branching plot paths by making you either good or evil depending on your actions in the stages but most of us didn’t care. The play control was so fucking awful we were just happy to beat the damn things with our asses intact much less how we approached the stage. Shame on you Sega for taking everything about Sonic and pissing on it. No Sonic character should EVER use guns. No Sonic character should EVER drive vehicles. (Yes, despite being able to travel at the speed of light Shadow resorts to driving tanks and stuff) No Sonic game should ever be “dark” or “gritty”......what the fuck is wrong with you people?


I mean, Jesus H. Christ can it possibly get any worse?

OF COURSE

You know, I wont lie. When I first saw E3 2006 and a preview of this new Sonic game titled simply “Sonic the Hedgehog” I was like “Oh, thank you Lord! Sonic the way it should be.” I had figured after the disaster known as Shadow the Hedgehog and to a lesser extent Heroes that maybe Sega would have learned their lesson and finally delivered us a true 3D Sonic game worthy of the franchise’s storied history. And for awhile it did seem that way.

But as time continued and a rushed released date was announced by having the thing release before Christmas of that same year, it became more evident to me that this game was going to be a fucking train wreck in the making. In fact, not only did I ignore this horrible game upon release, I completely ignored it for several years as I hadn’t even played it up until this point. But for the sake of this blog series I ran out and got a copy of the game despite all of the horror stories and tried it.

Oh. My. God.

Honestly I don’t even know where to begin. The problem when discussing Sonic the Failhog ( I refuse to dignify it with that other name) is that there is SO much bad about this game that it’s hard to even know where to begin. Well, providing us with the absolute STUPIDEST moment in Sonic history ever is a great place to start....



I hope someone was fired over that. How can this have gone through so may channels for so many people to say “Wow this was a good idea lets use it!” Does the plot make much more sense outside of that? Let us turn to our friend Wikipedia, who actually cares enough to try and make sense of it…

Princess Elise is the beloved ruler of the peaceful city of Soleanna. During the Festival of the Sun, the city is attacked by Doctor Eggman who is seeking the secret to a powerful weapon, the "Flames of Disaster," that will help him take over the world, which Elise possesses. However, Sonic arrives and helps Elise escape, though Eggman quickly tracks him down, sends more robots to attack them, and successfully captures Elise while Sonic is preoccupied. Before being taken away, Elise gives Sonic her Chaos Emerald. The next morning, Sonic meets up with Tails and sets out to find Elise. Before long, Sonic manages to rescue her, and Tails splits up with Sonic to divert the attention of Eggman's robots. Noticing Sonic got hurt, she blames herself for it. Sonic tells her to smile and that her smile is all he needs. Elise then explains to Sonic that the Flames of Disaster Eggman hopes to unleash is the fury of Solaris, a sun god her people worship, and that she holds the secret to this power. Upon returning to Soleanna, Sonic is attacked by a telekinetic hedgehog named Silver, who calls him the "Iblis Trigger" and tries to kill him, saying that it will protect the future. While Sonic and Silver fight, Elise is once again kidnapped by Eggman. Amy arrives out of nowhere and prevents Silver from finishing off Sonic, allowing Sonic to chase after Elise, thanking her briefly. Sonic reunites with Tails and finds Knuckles at the Warehouse of New City with a message from Eggman, and the three head over to Eggman's base in White Acropolis, where Elise is being held. There Sonic agrees to give him his Chaos Emerald in exchange for Elise but, unsurprisingly, Eggman goes back on his promise and traps the trio in a time machine, which thrusts them into a distant, post-apocalyptic future. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles encounter Shadow and Rouge, who are also trapped in this future. In order to return to the present

Ok I've had enough. You get the idea. It’s absolute HORSESHIT. The amazing part is that this only scratches the surface of this inane plot. I'm serious. This is by far easily the absolutely most atrocious, nonsensical, overdramatic, silly, out of place plot for a Sonic game ever made. The amazing part is that people actually seriously try to defend this crap. What is wrong with you people? I’ve read better Sonic plots from 14 year old fan girls on Fanfiction.net. Someone seriously got paid to write this crap. If you want proof that this is truly a shitty world, there you go. This game encapsulates in every aspect everything absolutely wrong with Sonic the Hedgehog. This was not a reboot or a return to roots. This only added even more useless characters, game design and camera work was even more horrible than before thanks to a rushed release date and if I ever hear the words “Princess Elise” or “Silver” ever again I will fly to Japan and kick some Sega employee in the nuts.

I don’t really even need to get into game design problems but I will attempt to anyway. For starters, again entirely too many characters break up the action. Your guys can’t even do the Sonic stages right, lets focus on that before we even try adding other characters. The stupid city hub between stages is pointless and stupid and there’s a reason they ditched it in Adventure 1. This game is even sillier making the character models look more realistic rather than cartoonish and clash horribly with the cartoony look of Sonic and his pals. The music is dull and bland and totally doesn’t have that high energy uplifting feel that Sonic games are supposed to have and most of it sounds like crap that belongs in an elevator. The voice overs are atrocious as every single voice actor except for maybe Eggman completely phones in their performances here. But given the crap they have to work with I can’t say I particularly blame them. Sonic the Failhog is regarded as the worst Sonic game of all time and I’d be hard pressed to disagree. Nearly every single gaming publication declared it completely awful and an embarrassing insult to Sonic and it’s fans. (Except Dave Halverson, but everyone knows he’s nuts anyway) It’s amazing the franchise survived after this one to make…

Sonic Unleashed

Well, our Sonic crap tour finally comes to a close with Sonic Unleashed, which in all actually wasn’t all that bad honestly. The story wasn’t TOO overdone, Sonic gets accidentally zapped with a beam by Eggman that transforms him into a beastly “Werehog” form whenever the moon is full. What follows is a journey for Sonic to try and discover a cure for his affliction and to stop Eggman once more from his mad scheme. Mercifully many of the stupid characters added to Sonic 06 were excised as they had no reason to be there and most stages were centered around Sonic which for the first time were actually decent. The camera was improved drastically and best of all Shun Nakamura, the man responsible for the 06 disaster stayed far the fuck away from it only working on the level design as someone at Sega mercifully booted his ass out of the producer’s seat. Unleashed showed signs that maybe Sega was starting to get it and indeed in some areas Unleashed was a breath of fresh air. However Sega still didn’t truly get what we Sonic fans had been craving all along and felt the need to tack on some silly Werehog gimmick to sell copies. The Werehog stages were boring and dull and felt like a poor man’s God of War. It was again an unnecessary, totally out of place addition to a franchise that didn’t need it. This sort of stuff isn’t why we play Sonic the Hedgehog. Ultimately this game was very much like Sonic Heroes in that while it had good intentions its clear that this isn’t the Sonic game to return the series to former glory and overall not a big enough step in the right direction. Still, at least it stopped the hemorrhaging of the franchise as just when it seemed Sonic couldn’t possibly get any worse this title helps it rise from the depths of hell somewhat.

Next Time: Well, we finally put a merciful close to the first few years of “consoleless” Sonic as Sega FINALLY puts a stop to the bleeding and gets a hint as to where the Sonic franchise should head. Some major and I mean MAJOR reconstruction is going to have to be done over the next few years and in 2010 Sega would be ready to try to reclaim the empire Sonic once had after nearly a decade of misteps. The only question left, can they do it? Find out in the final chapter of Diary of a Mad Sonic Fanboy.

Sonic, why did they put us in such a shitty game?

There there, Tails. It's ok that mean ol' Shun Nakamura can't do this to us anymore.

Star Wars: Bad Covers Unleashed

It's bad enough this game got lousy reviews. Does it have to have a shitty cover as well? Darth Vader looks utterly embarrassed to even be a part of this debacle behind that helmet of his. It's honestly an insult to take on that dork as an apprentice for the dark side to begin with. The only question that remains is this; was he just kicked in the nuts or is his underwear on too tight? Perhaps he has a nasty crotch rash he desperately needs to itch. Or perhaps he has backed up matter in his stool. Is Exlax available in a galaxy far, far away?

The Future of JRPGs Lies in Handheld Games

I had written a blog a few months ago in which I had expressed my general discontent towards JRPGs over the past decade or so and it was met with pretty good feedback and praise and I want to thank you all for what turned into a really good discussion. Now then, this blog is sort of a companion piece or a rebuttal to my own work if you will. While my general feelings of JRPGs needing to advance still exist somewhat, here in 2010 there seems to have been a revival of sorts that might show good signs for the genre. Good signs provided you have a handheld at least.

You see, this year I’ve spent more time playing my PSP and my DS more than my Wii or PS3 simply because this is the greatest time ever to be a handheld gaming fan. If you’re a gamer who loved the 90s and the SNES/PS1/Saturn era of gaming then you have to be estatic with the amount of games that have been being released for handhelds over the past few years. This year in 2010, was simply the greatest year for handheld RPGs ever and there’s still more to come. This then is my rebuttal as I said. I shall now direct you to some great fantastic RPGs that have come out in just this year alone and encourage any fan to try these games as examples that hey, maybe there is a future for JRPGs at least on the small screen. I will be employing a new game rating system, one that is flawless and you simply cannot argue with. The Dragon Quest slime rating system! 5 slimes equals awesomeness and if you don't buy it I will come to your house and beat you and greedily grab the gold you leave behind.

1. Glory of Heracles

The Story: While it begins with the usual cliché of the main character having amnesia, this is offset by the unique atmosphere of ancient Greece. Believing himself to be the legendary Heracles, he is believed to be immortal and descended from the Gods themselves and along the way meets several characters who also have amnesia. Once again they get embroiled in the epic clash between Zeus and the Gods vs the Titans and the plot is driven from there. Think Clash of the Titans mixed with Final Fantasy and a little God of War sprinkled for good measure and you’ve got it.

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: Glory of Heracles is like a nice mix of traditional turn based combat and strategy RPG. After placing your characters on a grid, you can select various commands that have you utilize the DS stylus to get maximum performance for attacks and magic spells. This can vary from touching circles in order or drawing the magic incantations yourself. While it does slow combat somewhat it does present a fresh take on what could have been a very boring battle system.

The Verdict: Not the greatest RPG ever, but definitely worth a look see.

2. Lunar-Silver Star Harmony

The Story: Well, being a remake of the original game on Sega CD and Playstation 1, most gamers are familiar with the plot of this game already, but if you don’t know, the main character Alex has dreams of becoming a Dragonmaster to protect the Goddess Althena. After venturing to the cave of the White Dragon and getting his quest he discovers that members of the Vile Tribe who hate Althena have been capturing girls for whatever reason, his girlfriend Luna being among them.

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: Lunar was my very first RPG ever on the Sega CD and it holds a special place in my heart to this very day. While this version isn’t quite as good as those other ones, it’s got a entirely new prologue that lets you play as the Four Heroes and updated graphics and sound to make it look even better than before. If you’ve never experienced Lunar, now is the time.

The Verdict: If you’ve never experienced Lunar, now is the time. If you’ve already played through it once, you won’t find this one better, but still, it will be a nice trip down memory lane for you.

3. Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey

The Story: Set in a unique science fiction setting, you and a team of UN Inspectors are sent to investigate the Schwarzwelt, a gigantic portal deep in the Antarctic. Once inside you’ll discover a portal full of demons at which point you’ll eventually have to come to a decision. Save mankind or destroy it?

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: Hell, it says “Shin Megami Tensei” on the box, that’s why. Ok, what sets this one apart from the others is the unique setting and characters. For the first time ever for this series, this game doesn’t take place in Japan and uses mostly American characters. The plot is more akin to a sci-fi action movie and feels like something James Cameron would have come up with to accompany the usual classic Shin Megami Tensei gameplay of negotitating with demons and recruiting them to make them for your own. If you’ve never played an SMT game, think of it as Pokemon with a bit more challenge and mature storyline.

The Verdict: SMT fans, you owe it to yourself to play this one. It’s every bit as great as Nocturne in my opinion and will keep you busy for quite some time. New fans to the series, don’t fret, this is a great introduction to the series and prior knowledge of past SMT games is not required. Check it out!

4. Persona 3 Portable

The Story: You are a high school student who recently moved into town with a very special ability. With a gun called an “Evoker” you can bring out our power known as Persona. You and others like you will combat what’s known as the Shadows that prey upon human souls during the Dark Hour, a hidden hour at midnight between one day and the next. Of course during the day you still have to go to school and carry on a social life. Time rests for no one.

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: Well, anyone who’s played any of the PS2 versions of this game will give you plenty of reason. Fantastic story, great gameplay and a great challenge for one of the best games in the SMT franchise. Anyone who already has played the PS2 games should still check this one out as an all new female storyline complete with new social links to develop as well as many of the improved play mechanics from P4 such as the ability to control all party members show up here.

The Verdict: The best version of Persona 3 there is. Check it out!

5. Valkyria Chronicles 2

The Story: Set 3 years after the original game (or something like that, I dunno), you play as Avan of a Gallian Military Academy who leads a squadron known as Class G. Class G is called to defend Gallia against rebels who do not like this current era of peace, nor the idea that their country has fallen under Darcsen rule. Calling themselves rebels and declaring their intent to take back Gallia, they seek to rekindle the flames of war.

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: Well, anyone who’s played the original game can see why you should play this one. The same gameplay that made the original so great returns, mixing action game elements with RPG strategy. The ability to command multiple vehicles as well as assign different classes to your troops is a natural expansion upon the original game. Everything is generally improved here and the game boasts some of the best graphics the PSP has to offer.

The Verdict: Even if you’ve never played Valkyria Chronicles 1, this game is still worth checking out as it has a plot that not only caters to fans of the original but is structured in such a way that it’s a standalone story as well. Those looking for an SRPG fix need look no further.

6. Lufia Curse of the Sinstrals ( Oh what, I just reviewed the damn thing don’t judge me! Okay fine I’ll tell you how many slimes it gets!)

7. Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies (Yes, you must type the subtitle as well.)

The Story: You are a Celestrian, a guardian angel of sorts who performs good deeds from upon high in the Observatory overlooking the world. The fyggs of the Yggdrasil Tree must come to full bloom before all Celestrians can ascend to the realm of the almighty. In order to accomplish this task, you must venture toward the world below and collect benevolescence or the crystallized gratitude of the humans below.

Why Should I Play It, Kenola?: It’s very simple. This is in my opinion the best Dragon Quest in the series. Your entire party can be created from scratch, from their appearance to their name to what class they areto how many. You can choose to go it solo if for some reason you desire. The options in DQIX are unlimited. Random encounters have mercifully been abolished and enemies can now be seen on the adventure map. New quests and items are available through the online shop and there’s never any real dull moment in the game. It’s the perfect blend of Western and JRPG concepts and not just one of the best RPGs you can play this year, its one of the best JRPGs period.

The Verdict: Buy it if you haven’t done it yet. I told you so and that’s why, don’t argue with me.

So there you have it. There’s 7 great RPGs I’ve played for handhelds this year alone. The future looks bleak on consoles but I’m glad developers are still committed to providing a fun JRPG experience on the go and there's more to come with a new Golden Sun being released for the DS as well. Don’t miss out on this stuff!

Curse of the Expectations (Lufia DS review)

Often times when something is remade it feels like a cheap cash in; simply nothing more than a way to make a quick buck and be done with it. Using a popular brand name to sell an otherwise inferior product. Then there are times such as when Neverland remakes Lufia II for the DS in the form of Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals. While not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, Curse of the Sinistrals at least feels as though some love and effort was put into the project to present a brand new product that keeps the spirit of the original intact.





While they simply could have given the game 3D graphics and slapped the name “Lufia” on the box and been done with it, Neverland instead attempted to present the original story of the game in a new fashion. In fact, “inspired by” Lufia II would be a more apt description of the title. The plot for the most part has been largely left untouched, a few noteworthy tracks from the original game including the beautiful world map music have been retained and the same familiar characters return as well, despite each of them receiving a more updated, contemporary design. Evil beings known as the Sinistrals, hell bent on destroying the world are challenged by a lone hunter named Maxim, who quickly gets destroyed but is later saved by a mysterious woman named Iris who announces him as a chosen one to defeat Gades and save the world. While not the most complicated story ever, the plot is driven by likeable characters such as Lexis the eccentric scientist, Tia the kind, somewhat jealous close friend of Maxim and Selan, a somewhat silent female warrior. There are other characters and personalities you’ll meet along the way and the game interjects enough light heartedness and humor which breathes enough personality and life into what could have been a very stale, clichéd story.

Characters have been given a fresh, new look to supplement the game.

For starters, whereas the original was a traditional turn based RPG, this one is more of an Action game with RPG elements and puzzle solving. Think a cross between Kingdom Hearts and Legend of Zelda and you’ve just about got it. Many of the areas have been trimmed down and the world map has been wiped from existence; instead you just select each area from a menu (The old world map music mercifully was thankfully kept however.) and travel between areas that way. While areas have been condensed in this title new puzzles are made available for you to solve and they are every bit as challenging as the ones from the original game. Like the original game your party will grow to up to six playable characters who not only have a unique combat style, but each has a special ability they must use to solve the various puzzles. Using each character in conjunction with one another, playing to strengths and weaknesses is the key to advancement.

No world map this time. Just press a button and you're there. But the music is still there.

Great Scott, Marty! That guy looks just like me!

But like in an RPG, characters gain levels and experience and can be strengthened through the use of Mystic Stones. Mystic Stones work much like the license board in Final Fantasy XII, placing different shaped blocks on a certain portion of a large grid with space for each character to occupy that will unlock various stat boosts and elemental resistances. While stones can be placed from just about anywhere as long as they connect to one another, it would be more beneficial to actually pay attention to the different type of stones being used to upgrade characters. Upon first glance character differences may seem simply cosmetic or personal preference, but after a few hours you’ll quickly start to realize how each character differs and play as them accordingly, as some characters are better suited for particular enemies than most others. While this game could have easily fell into the trap of “mash the Y button” all day; and for awhile, it does, by the time you get to your first battle with Gades you’ll quickly realize how to utilize knock downs and air combos to attack the opponent and get free hits unopposed. You’ll learn the merits of rolling out of the way and dodging and when to move in for the kill and unleash your special moves, carefully managing your IP meter so you don’t run out. Well, unless you like the Game Over screen that is.

Boss battles are fun and challenging and make use of both screens.

Then again if all of that sounds too challenging for you, the game does show mercy. If you don’t feel like spending the time to properly place your Mystic Stones or do the dreaded “grind for money and equipment” that takes place in most RPGs, the game allows you to restart 5 levels higher than you were when you died. While there is no real penalty for this, it does significantly remove most of the challenge of the game and simple button mashing will be all that is required to see it to the end. Still, not a bad option for casual players and those wanting to enjoy the story.



All in all Curse of the Sinistrals is a fairly competent reboot of the game despite it’s shortcomings. No, it isn’t perfect. The voice-overs are spotty. Many areas are too small, some expansion would have been preferred. Some animations are a bit lousy, particularly ones where you’re knocked off of your feet; camera angles cannot be adjusted making for a few hard to place jumps and while you can dodge, you cannot block, which can lead to some truly frustrating battles as dodging doesn’t seem to work quite as well as it should. All the same, with an open mind any fan of the original will have plenty to like about this updated version as well as anyone who is new to the series and just wants to play a fun Action RPG on the go. This game is best suited for those who enjoy fast paced combat and puzzle solving. If a more traditional RPG game with exploration and hours of character building is more what you’re looking for from your DS, seek it elsewhere. Stick with Dragon Quest IX or Shin Megami Tensei Strange Journey for your fix.

Thumbs in the middle.